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We’ve all heard the nonsense about wine having “lovely viscosity on the mid-palate” or possessing “approachable fruit-forward with notes of vanilla” and had no idea what the fuck that plummy shit means.
As students, we forgo the bullshit jargon and opt instead for the bottle with the highest percentage and the lowest dollar value. So out with the uppity, well-informed wine reviews, and in with the borderline- incompetent Nexus version. We’re sampling a few (a.k.a whatever we found unopened in the fridge) to inform you which cheap ones taste the least like ass, are most likely to get you fucked up, and are less expensive than one semi-decent glass at a mid-priced restaurant. These reviews are fairly bullshit as half of our esteemed judges didn’t actually like wine as you can probably tell by the low scores, but anywho, let’s get on with it.
Disclaimer: consuming seven bottles of wine at 6 pm between five people may cause symptoms of giddiness, embarrassing Snapchat stories, and unforeseen declarations of love. However, you are guaranteed a stellar night.
Jacob’s Creek Moscato Rosé Sparkling
8.4% (5 STANDARD DRINKS – NEGATIVE) $10
Apparently the non-sparkling is better, but this one legit tasted like grape juice, with a sweetness that instantly brings one to reminisce of past summers. Doesn’t taste alcoholic at all with “a very subtle wine flavour.” However, not the best choice for getting sloshed as it lacks in alcohol percentage. The packaging and colour were v pretty. Apparently it would “go well with chicken nuggets after town,” although I’m not sure where that came from as I’m not in the habit of bringing my rosé to Macca’s at 3 am on Sunday mornings.
Crafters Union Sauvignon Blanc
12% (2.4 STANDARD DRINKS IN ONE 250ML CAN – PRETTY GOOD) $6.99 EA
“Ugh these are awful” was the first comment made, as well as it tasting “peachy” with a bad aftertaste that was rather “heavy” in the back of your throat. It’s not the best sauv out there and fairly pricey if you have more than a can or two. Granted, we were pretty sloshed by now.
14% (8.3 STANDARD DRINKS – V GOOD) $12
Alcohol-wise, this is one of the highest standards per bottle. It was a last minute entry from a judge’s mum. You’d describe this one as fairly dry. Wasn’t a crowd favourite as several judges started screaming and gagging after the first sip. Creative descriptions included “it tastes like fire”, “fuck that”, and “that’s spicy shit”.
Crafters Union Rosé
13% (2.6 STANDARD DRINKS IN ONE 250ML CAN – V GOOD) $6.99 EA
We had such high hopes for this one. These new incredible “wine in a can” inventions are convenient and also super pretty-looking. However, this one divided the judges. The general consensus was that “it’s not a girly rosé, it’s a mum’s rosé,” and possibly better suited to the more experienced wine drinker as it was a stronger option that wasn’t super sweet. I didn’t mind it, but definitely not the best rosé out there.
Jacob’s Creek Sparkling Sauvignon Blanc
10.3% (6.6 STANDARDS – AVERAGE) $11.99
Pleasant, fairly easy drinking due to its mildness–almost like sparkling water but a bit winey-er and would do well with a strawberry or two. Pretty fizzy, a choice for “a day at the races rather than a night at the outback” - if you were doing the races pretty scantily. Not a great catch-up option because the fizziness would make you feel bloated AF and probably throw up.
Dashwood Pinot Gris
13% (7.7 STANDARD DRINKS – GOOD) $9.99
Little tanginess, not bad, an excellent beverage to compliment any food choice—we paired it with a pepperoni pizza. Not one you’d guzzle down to get trashed, except judge #3, she would. She also provided a tip: drink the neck of any pinot gris down and dilute with lemonade to be able to scull it faster. Apparently “it smells like cheap wine.”
Whitecliff Pinot Gris
12% (7.1 STANDARD DRINKS – PRETTY GOOD) $7.99
I don’t know why but apparently this “smells like a bit of scroggin,” which goes to show our judgement panel was a little worse for wear by now. It was unanimously judged as “not too bad,” and even our non-wine drinkers quite enjoyed it. Great value for the price, too.
To be honest, you’ve got to do your own research and tastings; sample a few and find a favourite. Lindauer will forever be my go-to. Also, everyone on this wine review panel went to private school, so do you really trust us privileged fuckers to tell you what cheap wine to drink?